Tuesday, June 23, 2009
i'm glad i hav a blog
because i can share the things on my blog
which i juz can't tell anyone else
-
i'm crying now
but the worst thing is that
i'm crying so much more inside
my heart feels so twisted
i can't even breathe properly
i feel like i'm gonna throw up
i'm so confused and feel so betrayed
i'm alone now in this room
while everyone has their peace in their own sweet dreams
only i.
i can't sleep
i can't even think abt anythin
i'm juz sittin here and sharing abt my feelings
nobody will know wat i'm actually talkin abt
i don't want them to know
but yet i wish so much for someone i can talk to
to talk abt this
the secret
the betrayal
my emotions
my torn and hurt soul
i feel so disgusted with myself
with my actions
with my behaviour
wat am i to do
whom can i turn to
i've had this kind of feeling a lot this year
actually i've experienced it my whole life
but this year it's so much more severe
this pain is staring at me right in the face now
and i'm facing it alone
today is by far the worst i've felt
my eyes are dry now
for i hav no more tears to shed
i've cried so many times
and pulled through this kind crisis alone so many times
but i don't know
if i'll be able to make it this time
ppl may think it's coz i'm a teen
all teens go through this period of time
when they think that they're at the worst point of their lives
i used to think that way
i was disgusted by the way ppl would say their lives are so much worse off than others
that dying was the best solution to their problem
but now i am the same
i'm so digusted with myself
i'm not sayin that this is the worst point in my life
but it will defintely be one of the worst
i...
i don't know why this is happening
i'm not hurting because of normal issues
not because of friends, family or even love
but because of everything
it may not make sense to ppl
but all of these things
all of my problems are connected
my friends, family, love and even my life
they're all linked by something or someone
and that's why i can't concentrate on anythin
because when i do
i will somehow think abt the problem
then i'm just lead back to the core
the most painful thing in my heart which connects everything
the thing that i just never ever want to face
i can face anything in the world
except this.
i can't come to terms with it
i can't accept it
i should hav listened to the ppl around me
and stopped this problem before it got out of hand
and they were right
it is out of control
i've gone so deep into this
both my mind and my soul
that i'm afraid that i'll never be able to let go
nvr be able to solve this problem
to finally end it
so that i can rest at last
but i don't know when i'll ever be able to get away from it
or rather
if i'll ever be able to.
because i'm not a regular teen
i'm slightly different from others
not in the sense that i take drugs
or do some illegal job
haha. i'd rather die than do anything immoral
it's nothing like that
come to think of it
this difference between me and other ppl
is actually very obvious
but ppl just pass it by
they may notice it
but they nvr ever think abt it
they nvr think that maybe that's partly the reason
for my core problem
the reason why i'm sufferin like this
nobody ever saw it
and nobody ever will
-
what would u do
if u discovered a secret
that hurt u so deeply
you could just die.
that made u feel so betrayed
that made u feel so useless
that made u feel so unwanted
that made u feel so untrustworthy
that made u feel so insignificant
that made u feel so hurt
that made u think abt all ur other problems
because they all related to this secret
this secret would be the thing that ignited the grave sorrow u would feel.
when all ur fears and worries were buried deep in ur heart
and u nvr intended to look at them again
this secret u discovered
just woke all ur fears up
and now u hav to face them all over again
and you keep reproaching urself
you keep scolding urself for how weak u are
so weak that u can't even handle this problem
u keep thinking abt it constantly
hurting urself every single day
and there's no escaping
because this secret is engraved in ur heart
u'll always be aware of it
even if u try to forget
and this secret
will lead to another secret
and another
and yet another
it never stops
then u feel more suffocated than ever
u can't handle it anymore
and the worst thing is that
no one's with u
u're all alone
no one to share ur pain
no one to comfort u
just yourself.
what will u do?
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Labels: death ALMOST sounds like a sweet escape right about now
4:07 AM
